Humorous culinary stories

  James Cook's culinary voyages How spices changed the world Continued   Frying Pan paused, as if gathering his thoughts. - All right, listen. You know that Europeans have long been, to put it mildly, not the cleanest of fellows, don't you? I put the cup down. - Are you implying that they preferred to wear wigs instead of washing? - Exactly! - solemnly proclaimed the tomato. - And just imagine: in a world full of strange smells, unpleasant aromas and... er... people with non-obvious hygiene habits, suddenly spices appear! - Which can disguise all this ugliness," I nodded. - Bingo! - The pan clattered merrily on the hob. - Cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg - all these could make the food not just tolerable, but divinely delicious. - So, - continued the coffee beans, - when Europe learnt that somewhere on distant islands a plant capable of turning rotten meat into a delicacy... - the Great Spice Fever began, - solemnly finished the tomato. I squinted. - Did ...

  When I walked into the kitchen, it was immediately obvious to me that something important was brewing. The frying pan was bobbing excitedly on the hob, the tomato was squirming suspiciously in the corner of the table, and the coffee beans were arranged in a pile as if preparing for an emergency meeting. - They've changed the world! - exclaimed the frying pan, clinking loudly. - They made people fight wars, discover new lands, perform great feats and even greater follies! - The coffee beans picked up on this. - Who's ‘they’? - I asked, carefully pouring myself a cup of tea. - Spices, of course! - exclaimed the tomato. I raised an eyebrow and sat down. - Ah, yes, the great strategists, the conquerors... and their majesty Pepper the First and Cinnamon the Great. - Laugh, laugh,’ the frying pan said instructively. - But did you know that in the Middle Ages nutmeg was more valuable than gold? - Gold?! - I questioned, taking a sip of tea. - Exactly! - confirmed ...

  - I must admit,’ muttered the tomato, ’that Cook's voyages were... well, educational. - Educational? - the frying pan clinked with indignation. - It was a gastronomic revolution! - Gastronomic? - I sceptically questioned, finishing my tea. - He mostly fed the crew with sauerkraut and salted meat. - Ah, you don't understand! - exclaimed the pan, bouncing on the cooker. - He proved that food is not just a way not to die, but the key to survival, to health, to civilisation! - And to good cheer,’ the coffee beans added. - They took us sailing, too, didn't they? I raised an eyebrow: - What do you mean? - Quite literally,’ the beans said proudly. - Coffee was considered the ideal drink for sailors, especially officers. It was invigorating, helped to stay awake on watch, and most importantly, it didn't spoil, unlike water, which turned into swamp sludge after a couple of weeks in barrels. - True, they couldn't always afford it,’ said the frying pan. - Tea...

  - But, the coffee beans suddenly stretched out thoughtfully, what did he bring back in the end? What culinary treasures did he dig up in his wanderings? The pan clinked weightily against the stove. - First of all, he had proved that it was possible to eat properly and survive long voyages. But as for the treasure... I stepped forward. The tomato froze. Even the sugar bowl stopped pretending to be indifferent. - Come on,” I said impatiently. - What did he bring? - Disappointment. There was a pause. - What do you mean? - The tomato asked stunned. - I mean that the best culinary riches have long since been brought by others! - sighed the frying pan. - Potatoes? The Spanish brought them from Peru two centuries before him. Tomatoes? Again, the Spaniards. Corn? Same Spaniards and Portuguese. Cocoa? You've already guessed it. The tomato puffed up resentfully. - So, he was traveling for new dishes, and everything had already been discovered? - Not really. Cook brought Europe not so much ...

  - Lahana mı? - Domates bariz bir şüpheyle araya girdi. - Bunun takımını kurtarması mı gerekiyordu? - Lahana turşusu," dedi tencere, ocağın üzerinde sallanarak. - Fıçılarla alınmıştı. Alternatifin, dişleri aniden dökülmeye, diş etleri çürümeye ve bacakları dinlememeye başladığı için mürettebatın yarısını kaybetmek olduğunu düşünürsek, faydalı bir şey. - Korkunç," diye ürperdi Domates. - Bu yüzden Cook adamlarına bunu yemeyi zorunlu kıldı" diye devam etti. - Eğer biri reddederse, aynı lahanayı subaylara da veriyordu. Ve sıradan denizciler üstlerinin bunu yediğini görünce, sanki lahana değil de kızarmış yaban mersinli bir turta yiyormuş gibi büyük bir şevkle yemeye başladılar. - Hileli," diye itiraf etti kahve çekirdekleri. - Peki başka ne tür hileler vardı? - Sadece lahana stoklamıyordu," dedi kızartma tavası gururla. - Ambarlar kuru fasulye, un, kuru bezelye, hatta çikolata ile doluydu. Gerçi atalarınız,“ kahve çekirdeklerine başıyla işaret etti, ”henüz kakao ...

  The Culinary Travels of James Cook Continued - Cabbage? - Tomato interjected with obvious suspicion. - Was that supposed to save his team? - Sauerkraut," the pan clarified, swaying on the stove. - It was taken in barrels. Useful stuff, considering that the alternative was to lose half the crew because their teeth suddenly fell out, their gums rotted, and their legs wouldn't listen. - Horrible," Tomato shivered. - That's why Cook made his men eat it without fail," the frying pan continued. - And if someone refused, he simply gave the same cabbage to the officers. And when the ordinary sailors saw the officers eating it, they began to devour it with such enthusiasm, as if it was not cabbage, but a pie with fried blueberries. - Tricky," the coffee beans admitted. - And what other tricks were there? - Well, it wasn't just cabbage he was stocking up on," the frying pan said proudly. - The holds were full of dried beans, flour, dried peas, even chocolat...

  When I entered the kitchen, the first thing I noticed was that the frying pan was acting suspiciously. It was comfortably located on the stove and was arguing with an important air: - Tell me, what makes a person voluntarily spend months on a ship, where rats are not only unwanted passengers, but also, if necessary, an additional source of protein? - Curiosity, - suggested the tomato, thoughtfully rolling around the table. - Hunger, - the coffee beans added gloomily in chorus. I poured myself some tea and sat down, preparing to enjoy another of the endless kitchen conversations. Today, apparently, the topic of the day is Captain James Cook and his gastronomic travels. The frying pan continued with dignity: - So, Cook set sail not only for new lands, but also for new tastes! Europe in the 18th century was a place where even oatmeal without spices could be considered an attack on human rights. The tomato nodded in agreement (at least if it had a neck). - At that time, dishes with p...

  Mizah dolu yemek hikayeleri serisini yayınlamaya başlıyorum. Mutfak sanatlarının siyaseti, diplomasiyi, entrikayı, coğrafi keşifleri ve savaşları nasıl etkilediğini anlatan hikayeler. Okuyucularımı dünya tarihine mutfak lezzetleri penceresinden bakmaya davet ediyorum. Kaçırmayın. Bu, yemek pişirme dünyasına heyecan verici ve unutulmaz bir macera olacak. *** James Cook'un Mutfak Seyahatleri Mutfağa girdiğimde ilk dikkatimi çeken şey tavadaki şüpheli hareketlerdi. Sobanın üzerine rahatça yerleşti ve önemli bir tavırla konuştu: — Söyleyin bana, bir insanı, farelerin sadece istenmeyen yolcular değil, aynı zamanda gerektiğinde ek bir protein kaynağı olduğu bir gemide aylarca gönüllü olarak kalmaya iten şey nedir? "Merak," diye önerdi domates, masanın üzerinde düşünceli bir şekilde yuvarlanırken. "Açlık," diye ekledi kahve çekirdekleri koro halinde hüzünle. Kendime bir çay koyup oturdum ve bitmek bilmeyen mutfak sohbetlerinden birinin daha tadını çıkarmaya hazırland...

  I took a sip of tea and nodded: - Okay, so food helped diplomacy. But were there cases when food literally saved entire countries? The frying pan responded first: - Oh, of course! For example, let's take Switzerland. The country is surrounded by mountains, resources are limited, and the army is small. What did they do? They developed cheese making. Swiss cheese became a strategic resource. In times of famine, cheese saved people from extinction, and in times of peace, the cheese trade strengthened the economy. The coffee beans jumped cheerfully. - And wine? France used it as a diplomatic tool for centuries! English kings were so dependent on French wines that they agreed to political concessions. And the Spanish? Their sherry was supplied to England even during wars. Wine knew no borders! The tomato rolled thoughtfully across the table. — But there are also examples to the contrary. Remember the "War of Jenkins' Ear." It was a war between Britain and Spain in the 18...

 https://youtube.com/shorts/wg_wV7fjxD4?si=9T3mFQaJ07MiW1ua Ümit Yaşar Oğuzcan (1926-1984) "Ben Orada Sen Burada". Video bir sinir ağı tarafından oluşturuldu.

 I always suspected that my kitchen is a place of magic. Not the kind where you wave your hand and the broth cooks itself. But the kind where if you gape, instead of an exquisite dish you get something that even in the Middle Ages would have been considered a weapon of mass destruction. Today's challenge was worthy even for the bravest chefs of antiquity: lamb with saffron according to the recipe of the cooks of King Xerxes. The frying pan assured me that this recipe was the pinnacle of Persian cuisine. Tomato and coffee beans looked at me approvingly from the kitchen table, like the highest culinary council. "Let's begin!" the frying pan solemnly proclaimed. "Take a piece of lamb. Preferably the hind leg. But if you do not have royal reserves, what you have will do. I pulled the meat out of the fridge. - The first step is the marinade. The meat should feel like a guest at a Persian feast, not a prisoner in a saucepan! - said the frying pan. The tomato nodded in ...

  I came into the kitchen with the grace of a donkey staggering around the market after being overloaded with sacks of potatoes. My head was buzzing, my nose was stuffy, and my body as a whole seemed dissatisfied with the fact of its existence. "I think I'm sick," I said sadly to the tomato and coffee beans, who had settled comfortably on the kitchen table next to the sugar bowl. "So that's why you look worse than yesterday's iced tea," the tomato said sympathetically. "And I thought you were just having a morning crisis of existence," the coffee beans added. "No, it's something more serious. Perhaps my body has decided to go on strike. "Then you need a good healing drink," the coffee beans said thoughtfully. "In Ancient Egypt, they made a wonderful warming drink from milk, honey, and dates. Even the pharaohs could drink it. " - Or maybe even Cleopatra! - the tomato happily picked up. - Although the pharaohs, of cou...

 When I woke up early this morning and headed to the kitchen, I expected peace and quiet, and maybe a cup of tea. Instead, I found that my kitchen table had been transformed into a historical debating club. "You just don't get it," the tomato said indignantly, rocking back and forth. "It's not just a question of culinary preferences, it's also a question of philosophy!" "Oh, yes, of course," the coffee beans responded with a grin. "We know you're a philosopher. Especially when it comes to whether it's better to boil or bake." "Don't get off topic!" the tomato jumped indignantly, but realizing that it was about to roll off the table, froze in place. "The Battle of Thermopylae wasn't just about geopolitics. It was a clash of two culinary cultures!" I sat down, poured myself some tea, and decided to listen to where this argument would lead. — The Spartans defended their simple but nutritious cuisine, —...

 First of all, it should be noted that cooking pilaf according to Tamerlane's favorite recipe is not a task for the faint of heart. Especially if your frying pan can talk, and tomatoes and coffee beans are being discussed on the kitchen table. "Stop doubting," the frying pan said, its sooty side shining. "I've seen worse things: cooks who confuse cumin with caraway, and cooks who add grated carrots to pilaf!" "This is a crime against common sense," the tomato nodded, swinging importantly on the plate. "Absolutely right," the frying pan picked up. "Real Tamerlane's pilaf is not some kind of boiled rice porridge with additives. This is art, this is philosophy, this is victory over chaos in the world of cereals. I sighed and decided not to argue with the kitchen utensils. "Let's start with oil," the frying pan continued. "Tamerlane used fat tail fat in his pilaf. It gives the dish a characteristic depth of flavor,...